The guilt factor

GUILT- this 5 lettered monster surely knows how to make ur life hell. Trust me.. there can be nothing worse than feeling guilty. and u actually don’t need a very big reason to feel guilty. Even the smallest of things can make u feel, “omg!!! I should’nt have done dat. WHY did I do it.???”

I believe that one should never do anything which would make one feel guilty afterwards. But….*sly grin* the tug of war between the devil and the God is not an easy one. The devil’s call is the most easy to hear due to which, I do end up feeling guilty most of the tyms. Lol!! So basically, this tym I’ve come up with a superb plan to get rid of all these stupid guilty feelings that r making life hell. and um gonna do that by blogging bout it. *he he*. After all…its more important to “realize” ur mistakes.

So here I go… um guilty of:

* keeping this space empty for so long.

( and yes, sukrit will have to be credited for that. He askd me n number of tyms “ kya re, blog update nahin karti..”. so basically, he is responsible in making me feel guilty:p

* being online for hours…..

( really…ive become quite a net addict. Must control yaar.)

*of stopping in front of my mirror each tym I pass it on my way to my cupboard, from my table :p ( whoever told the carpenter to place the mirror there??? Not my fault. Wat say??)

* of finishing off all the chocolates in my drawer.( Lol!! My dresses will vouch for that. They curse me each tym I put them on.)

* of attending only I.T classes at college. ( I should not be felling guilty bout this, considering the condition of our college, but still….he!!he!! okay sn and tj. I know u know why um feeln guilty. lol!! )

*of er…um…. Taking out my anger and frustration on people of didn’t have anything “much” to do with it. (plz note: “much”)

*of not being with someone, when that someone needed me the most.

*of bullying my younger bro and my lil cousins:p (luk… even I need to bring out the mischievous side in me)

* of calling my chemy teacher in college “tomato”. (no re…she’s gud. I will miss her.)

and finally…

*of wasting this space and misusing the freedom to blog by writing this crap:P

okay... i needed to add a few things.

*of switching off my alarm and going back to sleep:P ( i wonder howdid i forget to mention this earlier. i mean, i do this each morning and then feel really guilty. actually, i dunno whether i feel guilty bout switching off da alarm on my cell and oversleeping or feel guilty bout da fact dat i shut off my fav song "its da hardest thing" , the mp3 version of which is my alarm tone:P)

*when pple *ahem* tell me that they know how hardworking i am and how hard i must be studyn. (i actually pity such pple coz they dunno how wrong they r. but at the same tym i do feel bad wen i realize that what they say is wat i actually must be doing. lol!!!)

LIFE BEHIND GLASSES

Why is it that the thing one dreads the most is bound to happen??? Well… It kind of happens with me all da time. (With no offence meant to all my bespectacled readers) ,wearing glasses is something I have dreaded all my life.
I remember when I was in 9th, I use to complaint of frequent headaches and was therefore taken to da eye-doc for a test. ( Gawd!!! I Can never forget that experience). He turned out to be quite a character. I was quite scared that I might have to put specs (luk… I know it kinda sounds silly but I really didn’t want to wear one. Seriously…). Er… so…. I kinda got all scared and stuff and well…yes… I hate to admit but i… kinda started sobbing …( gosh!!! Cant believe that um actually writing all this..) anyways. So da doc who was quite a maniac (not to mention “mmh”) and considered himself to be a psychiatrist or a counselor or something gave me and my mom a gud one hour lecture on parental pressure, peer pressure, and its ill effects and how we poor children cant cope up with it and the growing competition that we have to face and how we cant talk to our parents about it and blah…blah…blah…. Infact the first thing I checked after coming outta that maniacs room was whether we had entered the right room or not ,or whether by mistake, got an appointment with the wrong doc or something. I mean, he had all those eye-testing thingies in place all right, but somehow didn’t appear to be an eye-doc. Lol!!! He was an item piece and I prayed I would never have to face him or someone like him ever again in my life. ( u cant blame me for dat!!!)
But… as it always happens , the irony of life, I had to face him ( p.s. he’s suppose to be da best eye- specialist in town) again some months back. This time I was sure I was not gonna be as lucky as last time to come home just with a headache. I was sure that a pair of specs wud be definitely be accompanying me home. And voila!!! I was correct. I had kinda mentally braced myself for my “encounter with da demon”. Infact this time I was in for a surprise. He was kinda happy with me or rather pleased with himself that whatever “gyan” he had given me da last time had been nicely eaten and digested by me. I was not sobbing this time *rolling eyes*. As if I wud ever again do that!!! Huh!!! He was quite surprised to see my new, full of confidence and “um not scared of any damn thing” avtar. So anyways. He quite happily told me that I would need to wear glasses and wrote the prescription and stuff.
U know, when u know that u have no other option but to do something, u kinda get prepared for it and infact start enjoying it. Well… dats exactly wat happened. ( I think I owe a big thanks to some other factors as well ,which made me get outta my mind blockage on wearing specs and stuff). Rather,its gud to see what life, behind the glasses luks like. Hey!! Come on guys… atleast I have experienced something more in life than all those people who have never worn glasses!!!!! He!!he!!! I think everyone, at some point of time, should definitely experience it.. Seriously…. Lol!!!!

THE LAND UNKNOWN

I wanna run away
to “the land unknown”,
where nobody knows me
and there’s no one I know.


Where I can be myself,
where I can live my life
not pretending to be someone else
but be what I am.


Where I don’t have to “answer” anybody
where I don’t have to “ask” anyone
where I don’t have to bother
about what others think,
where I can mould my life as I want.


Where there are no expectations
where there is no one to expect anything
where there are no traces of the past
where I can soar high, in the blue sky,
beautiful and vast.


I wanna run away
to “the land unknown”.
where no body knows me
And there is no one I know.


Where I can weep my heart out
in solitude,
where there’ll be no one to see me cry,
where there’ll be no eyes
looking at me, pitying me.
Oh!!! How I hate those eyes!!!!!


Maybe there I will put down my guard,
let go off the fear of being hurt.
Let go off the fear of hurting anyone,
coz there’ll be no one to hurt.


O God!!! Where will I find
“the land unknown”,
where nobody knows me
and there is no one I know????


Where I can bury my past
And build my future.
No secrets to keep,
nothing to hide.
Where life will be one merry-go-round trip.
And above all……
Where I can be what I am.

CHOCOLATE WOES

The first drawer of my study table is usually stocked up with loads of chocolate. Um not much of a chocolate eater (i.e. if u leave aside chocolate pastries and chocolate ice-creams ……hmmm!!!!! I can hog on them anytime…). My lil cousins ( who naturally love eating chocolates), keep getting them and since they are forced to get one for me too, they half heartedly come and give it to me, hoping that I would refuse to take it and then they’ll have the pleasure of eating two. But…..* evil grin* I don’t give them that pleasure and nicely keep it in my drawer after they leave my room.
It may sound weird but this is what I do. I keep my drawer always stocked up. Its only when I am mentally unwell, depressed or frustrated, that I take out my “lil treasure” and binge on it. I know that its terribly bad for my health but I cant help it. It makes me feel better. In any case, I think this is a much better thing to resort to, rather than getting addicted to other “stuff.”



p.s. my “lil treasure” is fast depleting these days!!!!!!!

I GOT A PUPPY!!!!!!!

Yep!!! Dats true!!! I got a puppy. He’s soooooooooo cute. He’s just 2 months old. Got him on Tuesday (14th nov). He’s a “spitz”. Haven’t named him anything, as of now, but I call him “naughty.” He’s one brat. Will chase u all around the house. He just loves to be pampered .( he!!he!!!he!!! he’s definitely “my” dog. Lol!!!!). since he’s really small, he’s to be fed only “cerelac”.

He’s my 3rd dog. The first one I had, got stolen. I was pretty depressed and shaken up after that. When we bought another one, I was really scared of getting too emotionally attached to him. I was afraid I might lose him too.

On Tuesday, I was nicely lazing around in my room, listening to music ( as I usually like to do before going to sleep) ,when I was told that we had bought a dog. I didn’t know that we were planning to get one. It was quite a pleasant surprise for me. I must have played with the dog for 2-3 hours that night . He’s sooo small and so cute. Thankfully he doesnot have sharp teeth coz his favorite pastime seems to be to try and tear off the bottom of my nightsuite. Lol!!!!!!
On the whole, it was a good children’s day gift for me!!!! Lol!!!!!

MISCELLENOUS

*Yawn!!!*…. This is precisely what I’ve been feeling since the past few days. Ive become a big lazy-bone and feel like doing absolutely nothing. Ive been sleeping like a log. Nothing happening in the study field as well.( I know sn and tj will definitely erupt into a huge round of protests, reading this, but c’mon guyz…even I have the right to put my feet up and do nothing for a change.)Winter… the culprit behind this. Who in there right mind would ever wanna come out of da beautiful world of deep slumber??

Also…I must confess that the increasing number of combined classes, with tj and sn, that i seem to be having at my tutorial, has really spoilt me. I mean, its not my fault. Um da only girl in a class of 27 guys. Now…though I might be in quite an envious postion for some of my friends*ahem*, it gets really bugging at times. No one to talk to and specially giggle….lol!!!! but since my wishes are being granted pretty often these days, I have been having the pleasure of tolerating some really pathetic classes, in the company of my friends. I mean, its not the teachers fault dat he wat he teaches is boring right???? So the pic u can c is wat we do to stop ourselves from falling asleep….

. well….this is just a mere trailer of what we do ( i.e sn,tj and myself…duh!!!) . it shows a tabular representation of our mental condition on Wednesdays, when we have a 3 hour maths class. Next to the table u can see all thetas and psi and eppu drawn. We’ve got to do something to keep ourselves alive, right??? tj has got a full copy devoted to all this. Its our life saver. we keep writing whatever we wanna say and keep passing it between the three of us. Me and tj use to do this at our school also…he!!he!!! good old days!!!!!

Guyz….tell me something. Is my handwriting that bad??? The pic u can see on the left, is that of a paragraph written in my handwriting. Okay… I think I can increase the height of my alphabets a bit, but otherwise I think my writing is pretty decent. Wat say???? But, English prof at my college doesn’t agree with me. I had gone to him, along with sn, to see my English marks. I got pretty decent marks. And as he stood there giving us tips on how we can improve our marks, he curtly pointed out,” you need to improve your handwriting. Maybe then , I will increase the number of marks I give you.” Not fair!!!!!!


Damn my comp!!!!! it just automatically shuts down as soon as I get connected to the net. Finally!!! It decided to take pity on me and last long enough for me to post this. As it is , I have had a “superb” *sarcy look* morning. Had to see the face of my tutorials center head whom we’ve christened “yamraj”. Look at his gall!!! Agreed that people cant seem to pronounce my name properly. Abhildasaaa, avilassssa, aubhildasa, abhipsa, avilipsa …. These are just a few of the various forms that my name has taken. But today was the height. “yamraj” calls up one of the teachers to find out if he’s free to take our class in the evening, and in course of the conversation says- “ sir …. woh ….. gupta ,aur aur ek do jan puch rahe hain ki aaj aap class le payenge???”
Gupta??????? * horrified !!!! bewildered*
Me: sir!!!! MY NAME IS “NOT” GUPTA!!!!!!
Yamraj: oh!!! Whatever!!!
I gave him a disgusted look and stormed outta his room.
I don’t know what else I will have to tolerate!!!! God bless me!!!!

ANGRAZEEE ANYONE?????

There is something else which I must tell u guyz. We’ve got this English teacher who teaches English at our tutorial( it’s a complimentary course. had to be, coz no one in there right mind would opt for it by choice!!!!) last Monday, he was teaching us how to write a paragraph on smthn * rolling eyes* . he was dictating it out for the “not from English medium” students. It went something like this…

1. WHY PEOPLE WEAR CLOTHES
Blah…blah…. At first, it is a basic need for covering of the nakedness. (lol!!!) People in the primitive days use to wear barks or leaves (barks?????) but in due course of time they went on wearing clothes due to blessing of science. ( please “science”….bless me that I may pass my 12th…rofl) …..blah…blah….

2. SMOKING SHOULD BE BANNED
(yeah!!! Right… my tutorial is the first place where this should be preached…) blah…blah… smoking is indeed detrimental.( *applause applause* by the way does he know the meaning???) it has become a part and parcel of life of an active smoker. It is indeed mistaken and erratic that smoking enhances aristocratic attitude of a person.( I agree…but it could have been put in a better, grammatically correct sentence)…blah…blah….. smoking makes the man destroyed but at the same time, it makes the whole family ruined.
Person addicted to smoking adopt the ill means such as crime, burglary and theft. ( I must ask the people I know, who smoke, which of the above ,do they secretly resort to????) blah…blah…blah….

3. PREVENTING TRAFFIC ACCIDENT
Accidents happen accidentally, but it is erratic( lol!!!!lol!!! rofl!!!!!!!!!!) keeping in mind the population explosion the roads get conjested……blah…blahh…blah…. Busy roads must be widened and lane driving must be introduced. Short circuit cameras should be installed ( lol!!! I actually burst out laughing. Couldn’t control myself anymore. “short circuit????” and I had been thinking all this while that they were called “close” circuit cameras…..lol!!!!!)

Seriously….. no offence meant. Its just that his classes are hilarious.

RIGHT TO GIGGLE......

It has always been a mystery to people as to why girls keep giggling all da time and I definitely intend to keep it that way. . he!!he!! *abhu’s special devil laugh!!!*. but u know, we can giggle for the silliest of reasons.
I seriously wonder how come me and my ‘these days giggling partner –snehudi’, have not yet been nicknamed something like the “giggling twosome” or “the giggling duo” coz all we do these days is keep giggling at anything and everything. People who must be looking at us ,*ahem* must be thinking we’ve definitely lost it.
p.s. um gonna mention snehudi as sn and tejudi as tj from now on for da sake of typing less.
Okay lemme tell u some of da instances when we’ve really cracked up.

Situatn 1-(this one’s the latest). Abhu n sn meet up at college in the I.T class. This is there ‘adda’ where they giggle the max. as usual they keep cracking up at the slightest mention of any of the m.gs. Thankfully their teacher is the ‘take life’ easy kinds. So she NEVER tells them anything. This lays the base for their giggling to continue into the next 4 hours (i.e for both phy n chemy prac).
They enter the phy prac giggling. Find themselves suitable places from where they can keep an eye on da m.gs .As the teacher goes about explaining the extremely BORING experiments, abhu n sn keep cracking stupid jokes so that they don’t become sleeping beauties only to be woken up, not by a prince, but by ”baba ma’am” (dats what they’ve nicknamed her bcoz of her repeated use of the word “baba” .
But the irony of da situatn was that, they had been so badly bitten by da “giggling bug” that when the teacher called all the students to the table to give a demo to the expt , and the meter bridge refused to work and the teacher tried to offer all kinda lame excuses, both of them burst into giggles right beside her!!!!! God only knows how they were saved. She didn’t seem to notice them giggling hysterically.


Situatn-2:Next came the chemy prac. Abhu n sn were s’posed to do some titration stuff. As ususal they teamed up, got da apparatus and got to work. They had kinda controlled their giggles by then. And got to some serious stuff.*ahem*. But…giggling doesn’t leave them easily. They had almost completed their expt when they made a mistake in the last part. It was not their fault. Whoever told the ‘great brains’ in the lab to keep acid in a huge jar labeled ‘distilled water’???? as I result their whole expt went wrong. Though this was not a situation to be giggling at, they couldn’t control themselves. They kept giggling at how stupid nd wat morons the lab attendants were. Though they had to bear with disgusted looks from the teacher, at least, giggling helped them from not getting depressed by da fact dat that they would have to repeat the entire expt. *giggles…giggles*


Situatn-3 (same I.T class but empty. Abhu in a foul mood, sitting and doing some sums. Sn sitting beside her, writing her record) this was the only empty room they could find in the entire college ( and that’s saying something), thankz to all the ‘love birds’ who get no better place for ‘guttar gooing’ , other than classrooms. 5 minutes of peace, and they were disturbed by a couple in search of some *ahem* space.
Had they been sitting quietly doing their stuff,abhu n sn would have had no problems.( none at all…he!!he!!) but that girl was so hyper that she was literally screaming on top of her voice rather than talking normally. Abhu, already in a foul mood, gives them dirty looks. Sn looks at abhu consolingly. 5 mins….10mins… still it didn’t look like that girl would reduce her volume. Finally abhu swears that if the girl doesn’t stop her blabbering in a minute, she will give them a peace of her mind. And yes… she does!!!

“Excuse me?? Do u mind not screaming on top of your voice?? There r people studying here. U ought to have some basic courtesy. If u cant keep u trap shut, then please find yourself another room…”
sn lookes at abhu with her mouth wide open. She couldn’t believe that abhu could actually say that ( never underestimate a Capri!!!)
The poor girl tries to talk, keeping her voice low, but fails miserably. Finally, scared of what abhu might say again, the couple decides to search for a better place to continue their…… whatever!!
As soon as they leave the room, abhu n sn BURST into giggles. Even louder than the volume with which that girl was talking. From then on, each time they cross any room filled with couples, or otherwise spot some of them, they immediately burst into giggles.

He!!he!! this is just a mere 1/100th part of the reasons we giggle. When we(i.e. abhu.sn and tj), have a combined class at our “dear” *smirk* tutorial, each time there is a mention of theta, psi, eppu, gamma , we start laughing. The teachers must be really thinking that we r mental cases. But its our right to giggle…
*giggles…giggles….giggles…*

AN ALCHEMY OF EMOTIONS

Life is a long road,
With very sharp turns…
You never know what u’ll encounter next.
“surprise!!surprise!!” both good and horrid
add a breaker to your enthusiasm and zest.


As a tread on this lonely road….
With my dreams & wishes sailing around me,
quite unsure of what lay in store,
I stumbled on each little stone
Strewn across the floor.


With my strengths becoming
My greatest weakness,
My “introvert at heart” nature
helping no less,
I felt like a loser,
Lagging far behind in the rat- race.


I lost the people I loved a lot,
Nothing I did seemed to go right,
my whole world went topsy-turvy,
as I fought to keep my spirit alive.


“I cannot be that bad”, I said to myself
each time I failed.
Not a comforting hand, not a single praise,
Yet what was that ”thing”
Which was egging me on…??
My confidence in myself
Or the wish to prove others wrong??


I forgot how to smile
I forgot to live for myself.
I started living for my dreams
To crave a niche for myself.


And I succeeded!!!!
I did prove people wrong for once…
I shut the mouth of all those creatures
Who never ever gave me a chance.


My world was suddenly filled
with a thousand colors…
I again started to smile…
I got the will to fight the world
And walk with my head held high!!


“life is bad!!!” , say some.
I say,” life is NOT bad”…
It shapes up how u mould it.
Dark shadows of depression and uncertainty
may canopy ones life,
but one mustn’t forget that very soon
the sun shall shine with all its might!!!


Now, as I again stand on the threshold
of seeing my dreams making or breaking,
iam happy that I’ve lost battles before.
Atleast I can now face,
Anything that future has in store.

And hey!!! Don’t forget..
Its both the sun and the rain
Which make a beautiful rainbow.

WELCOME BACK

Hey! I know its been long since a posted something on my blog but seriously, I just don’t realize how time flies these days….. with my college and tutorial classes reopened, I suddenly have sooo..much to do ..(he!!he!!! so…much to think bout…) that I don’t know from where to start. But I must tell you bout the welcome we got to our dear tutorial after the puja vacations..(yep.. they r not ‘that’ heartless u know… surprising thou it may sound..they r thoughtful enough to give us a ten day “break”, literally.).
So… we (i.e. snehudi, and myself ) went to class the first day, expecting the usual classes. But…. Our tut is a place where the whole concept of probability can be challenged coz the most improbable things seem to happen there. So, as soon as we arrived we were greeted by the best news students could probably receive- both the teachers who were s’posed to take our class that day, chose to take pity on us and decided not to turn up. It would have been “its da time to disco” kinda moment for us, BUT…(c…there always a ‘but’ in these kinda happy moments) the “management” ( who know only how to manage their pockets well) decided to use their best weapon against us… TEST… gawd!! Initially we thought it was all a big joke and laughed it off, but gradually reality began to sink in.. we realized that the management, which lacked a sence of humour cudnt possibly be making an “ october fool” outa us. So basically, we had to sahofy the torture dat day. Quite unfair of our teachers also… wat say?? They shouldnt have abandoned their students that way, but I guess everyone needs a break…!!!!