Of the new and the old

There is nothing new in feeling this way. I am in no way a unique creation of God conditioned to feel like this in a new place. It happens to one and all, without an exception. Although, the way one handles is could be as different as the Gandhian and the Bhagat Singh's philosophy, it ultimately boils down to the same thing- Change.

Recruitment, job hopping, change of stream, changing schools….I could come up with a whole list of scenarios in which one is faced with the cumbersome task of getting used to a new environment. While for some, this might actually be quite exciting, for a typical Capricorn like me (yes, I do follow Sun signs quite closely), settling in a new workspace, where the only familiar faces are those of Mother Teresa and Kapil Dev smiling out of a poster (which for some reason seems totally misplaced) , this can be quite a task.

It is not that I am an introvert or lack in the confidence to speak to people or make contacts, but my apprehensions stem from the fact that I like to take my time to judge people. So, after all the smiling and after all the pleasantries have been exchanged, I like to sit back and just get a feel of the place. 2-3 days into the new schedule and I can bet you won’t be able to guess in your wildest dreams that I am a newbie.

Another very fascinating thing that I have observed, or rather, that I like to observe is the different people around me. Everyone seems to have their own little story, own way of adjusting to the scenario and the likes and some can be truly fascinating!

To share a few, there was this gentleman in the lift the other day, who was happily chatting away with his son on the phone, coochi-cooing him and oblivious of the fact that every new person to enter the life was giving him the stares before they could figure out that he was using the new wireless headphone and was actually on the phone. There would be the usual furrowing of brows, trying to figure out who was taking to whom and then the look of understanding dawning on the face of the unsuspecting victim ,gradually.

There was also this female who sat opposite to me on the lunch table who was, for some reason, bursting into very funny giggles every 5minutes that kind of sounded like she was choking. In the end I actually looked myself up in the mirror on the adjacent wall to make sure I was not the subject of her mirth. ( I am still clueless about the reason behind her...er…happiness.)

There are actually various categories of people one might chance upon. There are some who take it upon themselves to give you an introduction to every possible fellow employee that you may chance upon (with value added suggestions on how to tackle them of course!). Then there also are a few who can be called the you-know-what (s), who give you all the ex news, the happening news and the future news. Then, the other more serious types who take it upon themselves to fill the editorial columns of newspapers and have award-winning skills at criticizing everything from the government, to the scams to the auto-walas to Himesh Reshamiya. In between all this, there are some like me, who just smile and try to take in sophisticated- corporate circus around them.

On the whole, after the initial hiccups, a new environment is a welcome change, even more so, if the city also happens to be a new one. There is something special about every place. Every city/town has its own charm and I love exploring new cities. My Mumbai experience will be something I will always cherish and now, I am sure Bangalore will try very hard to match up to it.

Believe

U've got to believe that things will be good.
U've got to believe that things will be the way they should.
There may not be too many options right now
but doors will open
a path will be made
u've gotta believe that u did the best you could.


There was a time when the wrong felt right
What was right somehow never made sense
Acceptance became difficult
"to hope" was all i did.


But then, a vague sense of familiarity
came flooding back to me
A deja vu of sorts u can say
A lost identity, a new found vision
and I discovered myself again.


There is not a tinge of sorrow
there is not an iota of regret
The best is yet to come
and i know what i want, i shall get.


Looking ahead I see a sea of opportunities
Looking back is not an option right now
Taking each day as it comes,
I am ready to face it all.


The journey so far has been roller-coaster.
Yet again I stand on the threshold of a major change.
The things that were, will never be
what will be, is something I cannot say.


There are elements of my life that i wish to carry forward
and there are things I wanna bury far out of sight
but there is this faint whisper which tells me
to "plan" and "hope"
is the biggest folly of all.

Whats is right and what is wrong
I shall not dwell upon that any long.

I know that things will be good
I believe that things will be the way they should.
There may not be too many options right now
but doors will open
a path will be made
I know that I did the best I could.

Help!

It seems to have a long, long, really long list of things to do.

Ideas for new additions to the portfolio float around aimlessly. Work on a logo design- pending. CAT notes lying tossed on the sofa of the new (read: temporary) bedroom. Two brand new novels aching to be opened and delved into. Some 25 odd, “bookmarked” sites screaming for attention.

It’s numb. Nothing seems to be able to penetrate its seemingly rock-solid periphery and shake the senses into action. The drive seems to be missing. It’s like standing in front of a fast approaching train unable to do anything. Just a few microseconds away from being run down.

It wants to be pacified; be conned it into thinking that “all izz well”. It will all pass. In fact, there is a solid, fool-proof reason that it has concocted. It calls it- Home sickness.

It tries every little trick in book to keep itself occupied. The url of facebook has been permanently embedded in it. It automates the hand to refresh the home page as frequently as human beings tend to breathe. It has also added a calendar to its gadget list, which makes use of a decrement counter. It frequently sends out warning signals but has become immune to receipting any kind of action in this regard.

It is not doing any of this intentionally. I can bet on that. I know it’s trying to be brave. I am trying to help it and please I request you do so as well. Please. Help my brain.

:) :)

Mumbai- A confession.

When you get what you have been longing for more than 1 semester (6.3 months to be precise), the feeling can be quite overwhelming and gratifying (and for a skeptic like me, add ‘unbelievable’ to the list as well). Till the point I landed in Mumbai, found a good PG, went to office on the first day, and began to figure things out, there was this teeny little voice in my head screaming on loud speaker that “It can’t be SO good”. Every moment was like “What next??” .

My first feeling when I landed in this city was like that of a little school girl trying to grasp as much knowledge as she can about the once forbidden world that was slowly revealing a treasure trove of mysteries to her. As my dad struck up a conversation with the taxiwala I opened up my mental calculator and diary trying to make sense of the distances, routes, things to remember and other tit-bits of info that I could gather. As the taxiwala went on ranting about the “immense competition in the taxi business” I kept absorbing the feel of a new place; the city that had somehow always attracted me, this little independent and ambitious bit in me struggling to bounce out and finally enjoy freedom-redefined.

Something that I must sheepishly admit here, is the capability of this city to force you to prove yourself worthy of survival, in order to make you a part of it. As strong as I pride myself to be, the first day that we went PG hunting, seemed to squeeze away 60% of my enthusiasm and confidence. In my opinion, Mumbai can be scary till you find a decent place to stay. Having had the luxury of living a very comfortable life at home and in college, the one room flats with makeshift kitchens, dingy lighting, slowly whirling fans, made me think that was the end of my “fantasy” trip to Mumbai. Even the inmates seemed to be so pissed off with life that I did not have to go to the extent of asking them if they were comfortable in there. Their expressions spoke louder than words. Probably this is one day I will never forget coz it changed something in me.

My mother was set to bring me back home with her and what totally-totally surprised me most was that I was somewhere hoping she would. Perhaps, that brief moment of conflict between my ego, self-respect, want-to-do-something-in-life, will-never-give-up part of me and the don’t-leave-me-alone-please part set a lot of things straight in my head. First day here and I learnt the biggest lesson of my life that life is not a piece of cake. This is something I have always heard but had never found to be SO true. I had a decision to make and I made it. I decided to stay.

I am glad that I did not have to go through the entire process of arguing with my mom trying to convince her to let me stay because the very next day I miraculously found a PG which was much better than I could (or rather my mom could) ever hope for. All was set. Somehow a major argument was averted. I was happy because my mom was happy. Went to Laxmi Mandir, SiddhiVinayak, Shirdi and Shani Shrikhila and joined my training from Monday.

Little did I know that another lesson was in store for me. After waiting for 45 minutes in the grand and elegantly designed lobby of O&M, I finally got my ID card and was introduced to the team I would be interning with. 5 minutes of conversation with them and I realized exactly where I stood (which, trust me, wasn’t very comforting). The enormity of the situation hit me hard on my face, slapping my back into sense.
In short, those were quite troubling times. But I am glad it took a day or two to get use to it. After a week, even office was fun. Went around the town with my PG friends, met an old school friend and exchanged news (okay, its called gossip) about old classmates. Travelled by local trains (which I swear is an experience), stood on the road trying to get an auto for 45 minutes, waded through the rain water and shopped :D

I have finally started enjoying Mumbai :) I have started liking the very thing I hated about this place and that is the crowd in which u always seem to get lost. And the thing that makes me the happiest is that- I Fought My Fears….. :)

So far… so good… :)

Yeaaaay!! :D

It could be the music, could be the weather, could be the upcoming vacations… but watever it is, the sense of joy is SO profound that I feel like shouting out from the roof top. No…. I am not in love. Or maybe I am :) Its life I feel. If it makes you feel down the dumps, gives you the high no vodka or rum can!

p.s – I suggest you immediately go and hear these songs-

- purani jeans

- Kabhi aisa lagta hai

- Jaane kya dhoondta hai yeh mera dil

- O Sanam

- Dooba dooba rehta hun :)

Its like.... LIFE :)

There are just some days when you feel like you rule the world and then there are those days when you feel crushed under everything around you. There are moments you feel happy with what you have made out of your life so far, and then there are those days when you wonder if there is anything worthwhile that you have done with your existence here on this planet. There are days when you are hopeful about the future, and then there are also days when there seems to be no future at all. There will also be days when you wish you could go back and undo a lot of things and there are days you wish you could go back and do certain things. There are moments you feel you should take the plunge, do hell with your stupid self-made policies, and then there are moments when your self-esteem comes in the way. There are times you wish things would go the way you wanted them to go and then there have to be days when you are grateful you did not go the way you wanted them to go. There are definitely days when even 24 hours seem short and then there are days when a couple of hours feel like years. There are times when old memories make you smile and then there are times when they flood your eyes with tears. There are days when you meet new people and make new friends and then there are days when these people become so important that you neglect the old friends. There are times when the urge to grow and move forward is so strong that old promises are forgotten. Then there are also times when despite the new things you miss the familiarity of the old. There are phases where the right seem wrong and the wrong become right. And there are people you hated and now like. There are also people you liked but now hate and things you do that you had sworn you never will. There are expectations and benchmarks. There is determination and perseverance. There is this pulsating feeling of trying something new, there is the dread of failure lurking behind in the subconscious mind. There is a chance and then there is a lost chance. Then there is experience. There is also a mind that weaves unscrupulous webs of thoughts and there is also the heart that that tugs and pulls at the web and gives us a tough time. There are songs which put our feelings into words, and then there are our feelings which are so strong that they can’t be put into words. There are things we know we should say and there are those things which just can’t be said. There are things lost, there are things found. There are lessons learnt and there are lessons taught. Its like a continuous battlefield... its like a mind blowing journey full of adventure....its like you.... its like me....

Its like...LIFE.

Let go....

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you look back upon certain incidents in the years gone past and loudly proclaim “Omg!!! I can’t believe I fell for that! “ or “Damn! I can’t believe I did that”. And thats when you suddenly realize that you have grown up. It’s like, life through the rear view mirror always brings an expression amalgamated with smiles and shocks, to our faces and of course, there is this realization of sorts which puts any-time-ready-to-think thinkers like me into an incessant cartwheel of totally totally random thoughts.

So many times, the standards you measure events, people or situations against, are themselves baseless. Presumptions can certainly lead to some very seriously wrong assumptions.

:) For all those of you still trying to figure out the reason I wrote the couple of lines above, well….of late as I have (kind of deliberately) forced myself to side away from the usual and finally plunge into the things I ought to have concentrated upon long back. I realized that all this while I had been trying to measure myself against standards that weren’t set by me in the first place and hence can never be correct. I believe that unless you try to make your life better, it won’t become better. So if there is something you don’t like, you have to make an attempt to change it. You have to let go. Easier said than done. I know… But atleast I can say I tried ;)

p.s Hats off to 3Idiots- another revolution brought about by hindi cinema and amir khan in particular. It was something a lot of people needed to see :)